Deep Down I knew it

My life long dream to be married and be a mother of 2 to 3 kids. I am one of 2 siblings and I always thought it would be more fun if we had another sibling around. My life up until now has been nothing but perfect. I found my dream husband, he is perfect, I got my dream job that I wanted since being like 6years old, a NICU nurse. I had a great childhood, both my parents are alive, have had no tragedies to deal with. I have really only experienced one death close to me, my Granny. So because of this I just new that something had to swing the other way and that having kids would be my thing. It would be my issue, it would be my bump in the road. The thing I have wanted most may not be attainable.

When my husband and I were just dating, he told me about his surgery and that it was for a varicocele, he was young when he had the surgery didn’t know much about it just knew it had to be done so he did it. When I was told I thought oh great and just cataloged it in my brain and didn’t think much more of it. I mean come on, am I not gonna marry a guy because he had a varicocele and it potentially could cause issues? of course not!

He failed to tell me until we were married and deciding to stop birth control that suprise ” I still have it, it came back”. Not that, that would have changed one thing, but me being medically minded it is something I would have liked to know about. So I of course do the worst thing you can ever do and what we tell our patient’s parents never to do, google, I googled it. And of course read a plethora of research articles and wikipedia, medscape, TTC boards, any link I could find, the worst thing I could do, and slight panic began to set in. So we stopped birth control in May of 2013. My cycles never really were regular post birth control. Before starting birth control I had no isses was perfectly regular. Knowing we had a varicocele issue we got a sperm analysis (well two) in august.

My worst fears were confirmed. We did not have good sperm. We had plenty of them they were just mishapen, swam side ways or in circles, two heads, two tails, who knows that they really looked like, shoot they probably swam backwards. But basically we have 1-2% normal sperm. I knew deep down this was going to be the result but I still broke down crying, devastated. Delivered the news to my husband when he go home from work and just cried hard as he held me. Him not really grasping what it really meant for us and our future. (he is an engineer, but not medically minded one bit).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s